Once a Junkie...

Hi, my name is MM, and I’m an addict.

First it was cigarettes.
Then alcohol.
Then drugs.
And danger.

I’ve been able to quit pretty much everything (I still drink some), but with an addictive personality, there’s always something I’m jonesing for.

Right now, it’s cock.

I’ve become a fuck-junkie, and as any junkie will tell you, we’ll go to pretty extreme measures to scratch that itch or chase that dragon.
The problem with being a fuck-junkie is that it’s like gambling: sometimes there is a definite payoff, so it makes it harder to quit, or indeed, to address the habit in any rational way whatsoever.
With drugs/alcohol/cigarettes, I never was able to re-experience that initial high, so the level of payoff diminished every time I used. I was able, eventually, to work out the cost-benefit analysis such that using was no longer viable.

Not so, sex.

I don’t know if it’s sex with this guy, or just the allure of mass quantities of decent quality sex in general, but I can see myself spiraling, and it is pissing me off.
I don’t think it’s Junior, as he has little to offer (for me) outside of the fact that he has many elements of the physical appearance I favor: he is tall, muscular, athletic, good-looking with a rough edge, great smile.
And... he is great in bed. He doesn’t have a nine-inch cock or anything, but he certainly knows how to use what he does have.

But, as I’ve mentioned before, beyond primal attraction there is not much to the relationship, and generally I feel uncomfortable trying to spend any time with him with clothes on. It’s like babysitting, or humoring him just to get what I want later. Very calculating, very soul-sucking. Very junkie-like. I become cold, mean. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.

I’m already ashamed of the way I am willing to compromise myself to get my fix. I make ridiculous accommodations, I make excuses to get out of things that may make me unable to get laid; I get irritable and short when I go too long without. I go through the motions of living the mundane parts of life (read: any time I’m not having sex), and daydream about my next hit.

It’s classic junkie behavior, and it’s even worse, I think, when I can see that it is happening. I’m getting that hard addict temperament again – you can see it too, can’t you? The Uber-Bitch is all over my last post. It’s amazing how the writing - words on a screen – what is unsaid between the lines, show me who I am, what I’m becoming.

Hot Studs Have Feelings Too.

Life is surreal enough without the additional oddity of having your not new sexual socks blown off by someone who thinks a hot dinner date includes Jack in the Box...

I think I may have offended him when I remarked that it appears as though he has watched a *lot* of porn. There are the stereotypical porn positions, the bordering-on-cheesy noise artifices, and the nearly-violent thrustings at a jackhammer pace.
He denied that this particular genre is a staple in his video collection, so I followed with, "well, you must just be a natural then."
Because all I can say is... damn. This boy fucks like a champ.

A friend of mine said the other day, "I want a man to fuck me like I'm a whore."
I agree, and am happy to report that I can get that all day long (pretty much literally) from, well, let's call him "Junior," eh?

I get spanked, held by the neck, my hair pulled and used for leverage and/or balancing purposes. I get my ass played with which is fucking hot, and about time too - My poor ass hasn't seen any play in years. I can't wait until I get good and fucked in it.
I get multiple orgasms, and whispered coaxings for me to come on that dick.

I thought I might get frustrated by the paucity of oral attention paid to my cunt - I love being licked and sucked - but that hasn't happened. There is the occasional perfunctory flick-by, but generally there is just a lot of fucking. Which is just fine - I can't think of another time in my life when I was this constantly wet and ready. One hot look, or flick of the tongue, and I'm flowing and ready to go. It's as though the easily aroused aspect of youth is contagious.

Sexually, I'm having the time of my life. Contrary to what is likely the norm, Junior appears to actually be interested in catering to my sexual desires and needs.
Imagine my surprise after the first time when I asked him if he was okay and he responded with (I am shitting you not): "I'm just happy that I can please you."
What the fuck?!
I might have thought that an anomaly except for the fact that he regularly asks me how I want him when we're fucking.

I still think he's watched a shitload of porn.

So, the fucking is great, but I must say, I'm a bit nostalgic for the kind of men I'm used to (read: older). The fact is, I have next to nothing in common with this kid. I hate feeling all old and curmudgeonly, but he talks about and is interested in shit that if I've ever even heard of it, I still don't care.

We don't do anything together, there are few conversations. For the most part, I'm fine with this arrangement; I'm not looking for a serious relationship (and certainly not with a college student). I've enjoyed being able to express myself in a much more genuine way, that being possible for the most part because I haven't really cared much about what he thinks. But it would be nice to have someone with whom I could talk about something other than superficial bullshit. And also to be fucking someone who feels more like my equal. A fucking relationship with this guy with no other facets or elements providing depth feels sorta dirty in a way that I am not not cool with (because normally, "dirty" equals "right up my alley.")

I was horrified when he told me I gave him a hickey (what? I bite!), that it was discovered by his dad.
Just. Horrified.

Also, he appears to be becoming attached. He asked to go with me to the gym today, so I gave him a pass. I was amazed that he seemed to not be expecting to come back to my house which is our typical m.o.: I pick him up later in the evening, and bring him over to fuck him in the comfort of my own home. In the morning, I drop him off at work on my way to my own job.

Yesterday he wanted to know why I "never" invite him over, "I always have to hint that I want to come."
"Dude. I've known you a week."

Today, we talked a little bit and got on the subject of politics. I told him that I had briefly toyed with the idea of going into politics once but opted against it as I am truly a publicity nightmare: too many scandals.

"You mean like dating a 22 year-old? Or seeing a 22 year-old?"
"Dating?! No. More like picking up a 22 year-old for sex, because that is generally what happens."
silence.
"Seriously. Would you call what we're doing 'dating'?"
He was quiet for a second, then said, "Yeah. I don't know. Probably."

Goddammit.

Yikes.

I am experiencing nausea and general discombobulation from all the sex with my new young friend. Also, I am feeling slightly robbed of quality fucking time over the past several years, as I have come to realize that although sex with my husband may have taken the better portion of three minutes, sex with the young can take the better part of three hours.

That is all.

Ripple Effect

At first, not many people knew that I had split from my husband. Just a questioning look here and there, and me, offering no information. Other than here (obviously) I like to keep my personal life, well, personal.
Now, as word is getting out, the effect is more like the ripple effect and the sharks are coming up from the deeps, circling, and looking to try to stake a claim.
My Euro-stalker appeared from the blue. He must have e.s.p. because certainly no one I know would have told him I am newly-single.
An old friend I had follow me home from the club the other night to run interference for me so I could have a graceful escape from Mr. College Football Star was hurt when I fed him breakfast (which I cooked myself!), thanked him, then sent him home. "I thought I was going to get to hang out!"
My husband wants to know if I have a date tonight; he wants to be assured that I will be home alone, drinking away my lonely sorrow as he plans to.
And, no, I don't have a date planned or scheduled. But I don't plan to cry into my beer like the poster child of every old country song either.
What I am, however, is completely open to the idea of giving the bush a good tight trim, picking up Mr. CFS, and bringing him over to score a touchdown or three of my own. This would be a good way to balance the mutual frustration left over from last night, where we parted with a raging hard-on for the gent, and the lady was stuck to the car from the wetness that flowed so prodigiously as to seep through panties _and_ jeans.

Happy V-Day!

Math

I'm in my early 30's, quickly careening toward the mid-mark at a breakneck (it seems) pace.
Massimo is, I think, 55.
Evan will be 46 soon.
Other than Seth, most of my boyfriends pre-marriage in the last 10 or so years were considerably older than me - at least by a decade.
It would seem that I prefer the older man.
I find it hard to explain, then, why or how I found myself making out like a teenager in heat with a 22 year-old football player last night.
Curiouser still, said sports stud has called me three times today, trying to get me to be his own personal Mrs. Robinson (a reference he is not likely to comprehend).
The mirth! The glee!
The experience?
Priceless.
As my friend put it, we are both in our sexual primes. This could be a fun month before junior goes back to finish his last semester of college.
I think it might be fun. To for once try cradle-robbing, as opposed to my usual m.o. of stealing from the grave.

Sugasm #65

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #66? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Motel Meeting (http://lafillemariee.blogspot.com)
“As always though, coming together for us meant first holding, then kissing, groping, stroking, and suddenly, there we were, as always, naked, lying together, limbs intertwined on DG’s bed under the cozy, thick white duvet.”

My breasts are not safe for work - welcome to the pink ghetto “I love to find out things about people’s sex lives and thinking about sex that make me see them, and the topic at hand, in a new light, and often I learn about myself that way.”

Richard Evans Lee (http://www.sex-kitten.net)
“An increase in sexual empathy. Being able to put yourself in the other person’s heart would curb everything from infidelity to homophobia.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sexual Chocolate (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice
Midnight Conversations at the Tick Tock Diner (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Decay (http://blog.myspace.com/tit_elation)
Fuck Me First (http://loladavid.wordpress.com)
Hands (http://onlyamirage.blogspot.com)
Heels, Stockings, Girdle, Bra, Face (http://aslipofagirl.blogspot.com)
Horny… Period! (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)
How Hip Swingster Got His Groove Back (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)
Reluctant Mary - Part Two (http://eroticjournals.blogspot.com)
Sex Party Redux (http://plum001.blogspot.com)
Trade (http://turnthelampsdownlow.wordpress.com)

Sex Advice, News, Reviews and Interviews
33 Days, 33 Posts: Prologue, or, This Is Gonna Hurt (http://dausa.blogspot.com)
Apple, sex toys and the genesis of the iPhone Vibrator (http://sextoysinsider.com)
Reader: But Will She Love My Penis? (http://smutandsteff.com)
Taco Tuesday: Toy Review 1 (http://themilfblog.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish
Anxious Fuck (http://dirtylittlecockslut.blogspot.com)
Caution! The Story You Are About To Enjoy Is Extremely Hot - Part Two (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)
Introducing Prisoner #4228 (http://pandorablake.blogspot.com)
The Itch, Part The Last (http://udoj.wordpress.com)
Little Miss Sunshine (http://sweatshopsissy.wordpress.com)
Meeboguest confesses: “I have been a bad boy again…” (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)
Quiet The Hum Part Five (http://kissingcorporalkate.wordpress.com)
Spanking on Honeymoon (http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Being Bisexual (http://eroticawriter.blogspot.com)
Cop a Feel, Show Me the Love (http://middleurge.blogspot.com)
Eyes Wide Open for Sexual Possibility (http://www.taratainton.com)
The Feminist Who Wanted to Be Fucked Like a Whore (http://brooklynrake.blogspot.com)
How About Now? (http://thismuse.blogspot.com)
Polyamory: The Great Sexual Alternative Lifestyle (http://www.model-chat.com)

Sex Work
A Lackluster Coming Out (http://www.radicalvixen.com/blog)

Sexy Humor
Meow (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)
Seduction Outtake #17 (http://sabrinainstockings.com)
Who would YOU want to make submit? (http://principalquattrano.com)

NSFW Pics (& videos)
Angela Taylor Naked (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)
Beautiful french maid upskirt (http://upskirtr.blogspot.com)
For Odysseus Love, Penelope (http://marriedexploits.blogspot.com)
Happy HNT - Dungeon Bondage Chair (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
January’s Cartoon Babe of the Month! (http://secretbrain.blogspot.com)
Slaving Away (http://kitchen-girls.blogspot.com)
Stella & Sandra (movie) (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

More Facets

I've added the "pretty stylin' for being a few hundred years old" Tom Paine's "Polyamorously Perverse" and dazzling wordsmith Peony's "Turn the Lamps Down Low" to the links list.
Check them out!