Thursday, October 05, 2006


After having visited several times as a guest of D., Jesse became a friend to me. A friend in the sense that he always asked me how I was and then actually listened to the answer, responding appropriately. There are no friends in this world, only so-called friends.

More and more he was looking me in the eye, I have a face. He began a playful flirtation, like an old man playing with a young girl. It was just that, actually. Often I am the young lady surrounded by older men. My function is to amuse them. I am good at what I do. I can be quite charming. I insinuated myself more and more into Jesse's life and home - this is my way out of D. I would show up and cook for everyone. I would bring beer.

I am the only girl and soon I am there every day. I greet visitors, I play the hostess. I never asked for anything; I took everything that was offered. I became part of the inner sanctum. I provided and took sanctuary. There is Jesse, his son Jay, an older cousin, and another hangabout Brett.

Jesse makes me laugh. He threatens to do bad things to people who have hurt me, waving his cane and jabbing it into the air to punctuate his points. He never lets me go without. He threatens me with marriage, to "save" me from the others or more likely, from myself. He is serious about this but says it with forced humor and a sidelong glance to hide the truth and protect himself from "no". No one likes pain; that is why we are all here.

Jay hits on me constantly, writing me cute notes. I wake up more than once to find Brett touching me. Often I would pretend to be asleep while he caressed me, sometimes with his hands, other times with his lips and tongue. I let him (I let them all) smooth my hair away from my face and make big lazy strokes down my back and over my ass. I feel the gentleness of his touch on my throat and breasts. I moan and sigh to encourage him. Everyone needs someone to hold on to, even if it is a big lie.

Months pass. I am trusted. I give of myself to everyone and to no one because it is not me; it is the mirage of me. I give myself to none, just within reach, yet untouchable. It is a delicate balancing act. It is hard work. I have intoxicated the four, and Jesse has become especially inebriated on this facet of me.

Now, I know where the stash is, where it comes from, and where the money is. I know who to let in and who to blow off. I know what I can get away with and with whom. I've asked for nothing and been given the power. Because, as any junkie knows:

Who Controls the Dope has the Power.


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