... Always a Junkie

I have the shakes.
And uneven breathing.

I feel hot.

I have tunnel vision and that addict's staggery walk.
I'm twitchy.

I can feel my every nerve ending.
My veins are throbbing and my spidey sense is tingling.

I can hear everything.
(If I didn't have this cold, I would probably smell everything too.)

I shirk personal responsibilities.
I hide in my house, blinds shut.

I don't answer the phone, but I want it to ring.
I let him leave a voice mail.
I make myself wait to check it.
I check the e-mail to see if he's in there.
I have no control.

The big junkie trap is thinking I can outwit the addiction.
It never works.

I don't want to talk to the soldier - the idea of him makes my gut roil with revulsion. I can't even think his name.
I did my duty; I fucked him three times and should have won an Oscar for my portrayal of the satisfied lover.
I just wanted to fuck his brains out, which I did, but I still have mine because he was a terrible lay, not at all skillful.
And to add insult to injury, quite small.

It was like that line in "O Brother, Where Art Thou": It aroused my appetite, but abated it none.

Now he wants to be my slave. And he wants to connect and bond.
This after I sent him home a day early, unceremoniously.
I want to not remember his name.
He calls and texts me incessantly. It's like an unseen barking dog I can't make stop.

I feel like a vampire - the lust for sex has replaced my soul.
When I look in the mirror, there is not even a mirage anymore. There is no reflection.

I'm angry with myself, and I want to run.
Or hide in the things that have served such a purpose in the past.

I'm thirsty.
I'm dying for a cigarette.
I'd love a line from here to the Yukon.
A spike in the vein.
Deep sleep.

The vibrator is my methadone right now.
It takes longer and isn't as effective as the real deal, but it does the trick eventually.
Afterwards, I'm just left with my shakes and the cold sweat and the tousled bedding.

I put a sheet over the mirror, and turn out the lights.
I'm just going to have to sweat it out.

I can sweat it out.